Author Archives: Brian

I Know Who Killed Me

Toilet Paper


Release Date: July 27, 2007
Runtime: Too long
Rating: R
Studio: Sony
Director: Chris Sivertson (poor thing!)
Cast: Lindsay Lohan; Julia Ormond (wow…what a fall!); Neal McDonough; Brian Geraghty

This will be a short review because, honestly, this film is really just a huge piece of shit. I mean, you know it’s a problem when the best thing about the film is the fight that two theater patrons got in during the trailers regarding a cell phone. Continue reading

The Oscar


Reel Small 1



Release Date: March 4, 1966
Runtime: 119 minutes
Rating: N/A
Studio: Paramount
Director: Russell Rouse
Cast: Stephen Boyd; Milton Berle; Elke Sommer; Jill St. John; Tony Bennett; a slew of other Oscar winners/nominees

While watching this train wreck of a film, a number of questions occurred to me. The first came to me five minutes into the film: Why does the strip club owner almost immediately pull a knife on Frankie and Hymie when they ask for the remainder of their money owed to them? Doesn’t seem like the most productive, not to mention professional, way to do business. That scene pretty much set the tone of the picture: that everything would be over-the-top and have little or no connection to the real world. (Comparisons here to “Showgirls,” made about thirty years later: in the first five minutes of that pic, a hitchhiking Nomi (the lead nutjob) almost immediately pulls a switchblade on the guy who picks her up …all because he asked her her name!) Anyway, having realized what kind of movie this was doomed to be, I settled in to watch the rest. About 20 minutes in, another question occurred to me: Why is there this constant, almost nagging melodramatic music underscoring the entire film? Not just specific scenes that may justify it, but ALL THE SCENES!!! Someone gets up from a chair, the music swells; someone crosses a room, there’s the music again, incessant and irritating. And the music’s so cheesy you need a lactose pill to listen to it!! Continue reading

Mary Reilly

Toilet Paper




Release Date: February 23, 1996
Runtime: 108 minutes (100 minutes too long)
Rating: R
Studio: TriStar Pictures (Sony)
Director: Stephen Frears
Cast: Julia Roberts; John Malkovich; Glenn Close; George Cole; Michael Sheen

I like Julia Roberts.  I really do.  I’ve been a fan ever since “Satisfaction.”  But please, Julia, for the love of God, don’t do period movies!!!  It’s not your strong suit.

This movie couldn’t be worse!  It’s boring, dreary, terribly miscast, and just plain bad.  Hardly worth my time to review it: just writing about it is making me angry.  It purports to tell the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from the point of view of one of his scullery maids.  Not a bad idea, but woe to the execution!! Continue reading