Release Date: July 27, 2007
Runtime: Too long
Director: Chris Sivertson (poor thing!)
Cast: Lindsay Lohan; Julia Ormond (wow…what a fall!); Neal McDonough; Brian Geraghty
This will be a short review because, honestly, this film is really just a huge piece of shit. I mean, you know it’s a problem when the best thing about the film is the fight that two theater patrons got in during the trailers regarding a cell phone.
Lindsay Lohan plays Aubrey Fleming , a high school student who’s got it all: smarts, looks, money, boyfriend (who, I must say, is the LEAST convincing movie high school boyfriend ever cast …who did this kid sleep with to get a part in this movie?). After a football game one evening, she vanishes, abducted by a serial killer who, as the audience is witness to in some really very graphic scenes, tortures her and amputates her right hand and lower leg. Cut to a hospital room where she wakes up, confused, and insisting that her name is not Aubrey, but Dakota Moss, a sleazy stripper whose life couldn’t be more opposite from Aubrey’s. Enter probably the two least convincing FBI agents in history (Garcelle Beauvais -Nilon and Spencer Garrett), who immediately think that Dakota is lying about what she knows about her story. Why do they think she’s lying?? Because it makes it more convenient for the plot, maybe?? Meanwhile, Aubrey’s parents (Julia Ormond and Neal McDonough) try to get a handle on their daughter, who, through some internet snooping around of her ownt, becomes convinced that Dakota is Aubrey’s long-lost twin sister! (Cue the first “Are you serious?” Believe me, there will be a lot more to come!) Anyway, to make a long story short (too late) because, really, the story is not worth any more of your reading time (or my writing time, for that matter), following a few dumb twists, all ends with the utterly ludicrous and unsatisfying reveal and we can finally go home and take a much-needed shower.
So, the plot is nonsense . . .fine. But the real culprits in this mess have got to be first-time screenwriter Jeffrey Hammond and director Chris Sivertson. Hammond’s script is full of weak dialogue and ludicrous scenarios meant to generate suspense, but which only elicit groans and chuckles from the audience. Sivertson’s direction is just as incompetent, filming his movie mostly via handheld cameras and filling his frames with two primary color schemes: red and blue. Not to mention random shots of owls, rivers and severed limbs thrown in for, what, ambience? He shoots the strip club sequences in garish red hues and these scenes evoke the appropriately sleazy atmosphere of a low-rent, seedy strip joint. The same goes for the torture scenes, filmed in the same sketchy manner , this time with royal blue overtones. Good. Got it. But then Sivertson inexplicably carries the grimy atmosphere over to the rest of his picture, giving sequences that should be warm and tender, such as scenes between Aubrey and a previous victim ‘s parents, the same sleazy feel. I mean, the whole thing seems like it needs a good Clorox-ing or something . Yuk!!
I felt nauseous and violated upon leaving the theater.
The performances, unfortunately, live up to the rest of the picture, in that they are also atrocious. Lohan is a talented actress, no question. She’s proven that much in films like “Mean Girls” and “A Prairie Home Companion.” But you would never, EVER, know that there is talent in there based upon her performance here. I mean, this is Acting 101-level stuff. I read an article not too long ago where Lohan said she has never taken an acting class. Honey, it’s time to start! The rest of the cast is just as bad and not worth mentioning, but since Lindsay’s by far the biggest name in the movie, her rotten show here stands out the most. How sad to see Julia Ormond in the throwaway role of Aubrey’s mother. Remember when she was touted as the “Next Big Thing?” Is this the best she can do? The best thing I can say about her performance in this film is that her hair looks great.
So, in conclusion, “IKWKM” sucks. It just sucks and there is no reason to see it, unless you get a perverse thrill out of watching Lindsay Lohan get grotesquely tortured or writhe around a stripper’s pole, with all of her clothes on, natch! (And that’s another thing: if you are an actress and you are going to take a gritty role as a stripper…be prepared to show some skin, ’cause it ain’t believable if you don’t. Plain and simple. If you have a no nudity clause in your contract, keep looking for other roles. It’s laughable that the main stripper at a sleazy strip club stays clothed during her routine. Inexcusable. I mean, Demi Moore flashed us her girls in “Striptease” and she is a MUCH bigger star than Lohan. So, grow a pair of balls and show us your tits if you’re going to play a stripper. OK …enough of that.). It really doesn’t get much worse …for actor or viewer.