Tag Archives: Turd

The Prince

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Release Date: August 22, 2014
Runtime: 93 minutes
Rating: R
Studio: Lionsgate
Director: Brian A. Miller
Cast: Jason Patric; Bruce Willis; John Cusack; Jessica Lowndes; Gia Mantegna; Rain; 50 Cent

Do not be fooled into thinking this is a quality picture just because the names Jason Patric, Bruce Willis and John Cusack are in the credits. “The Prince” is one of the laziest, ugliest, not to mention dumbest movies I’ve seen in a long time. Continue reading

Hudson Hawk

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Hudson-Hawk

 

Release Date: May 24, 1991
Runtime: Interminable
Rating: R
Studio: TriStar Pictures (Sony)
Director: Michael Lehmann
Cast: Bruce Willis; Danny Aiello; Andie MacDowell; Richard E. Grant; Sandra Bernhard

This movie has, in the 20-plus years since its release, become kind-of a punch line for jokes about Hollywood awful-ness….and deservedly so.  Ostensibly a crime caper, there are elements of musical, comedy, adventure…but none of the various genres this movie tries to employ ever coalesce into a satisfying and cohesive product.

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Darkness

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Darkness

 

Release Date: December 25, 2004
Runtime: 102 minutes
Rating: R
Studio: Dimension Films (Miramax)
Director: Jaume Balaguero
Cast: Anna Paquin; Lena Olin; Iain Glen; Giancarlo Giannini

[SPOILER ALERT!]

Oh boy, is this ever a mess of a movie.  Basically, the story of a young girl and her family who move into a creepy old house in the Spanish countryside.  Weird things start happening.

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Gigli

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Release Date: August 1, 2003
Runtime: 121 minutes
Rating: R
Studio: Columbia Pictures (Sony)
Director: Martin Brest
Cast: Ben Affleck; Jennifer Lopez; Justin Bartha; Missy Crider; Al Pacino; Christopher Walken

I admit, I went to this film out of morbid curiosity; to see what all the bad buzz was about. Maybe I would see something that the rest of the world did not, something that may redeem this feature, at least in my eyes. Alas, I did not. This has to be one of the worst pieces of celluloid crap ever inflicted upon the mainstream movie-going public. I was actually groaning as I left the theater. Continue reading

Christmas with the Kranks

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Release Date: November 24, 2004
Runtime: 99 minutes
Rating:
PG
Studio: Columbia Pictures (Sony)
Director: Joe Roth
Cast: Tim Allen; Jamie Lee Curtis; Dan Aykroyd; Cheech Marin; Jake Busey

This is a stunningly awful film.  I’ll admit, I came late, about 15-20 minutes, into this movie, but, quite honestly, I’m glad that I did.  For I’d rather jump off of a cliff than listen to one second more of the ear-splitting shrieking and inane dialogue that run rampant in this film.  I didn’t care about any of the characters; in fact, I disliked most of them.  Most of all, I didn’t like the two main characters, Luther (Tim Allen) and Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) Krank. They are stupid people, and I have no tolerance for stupid people, real or fictional. They are not even logical and seem devoid of rational thought. Continue reading

I Know Who Killed Me

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I-Know-Who-Killed-Me

 

Release Date: July 27, 2007
Runtime: Too long
Rating: R
Studio: Sony
Director: Chris Sivertson (poor thing!)
Cast: Lindsay Lohan; Julia Ormond (wow…what a fall!); Neal McDonough; Brian Geraghty

This will be a short review because, honestly, this film is really just a huge piece of shit. I mean, you know it’s a problem when the best thing about the film is the fight that two theater patrons got in during the trailers regarding a cell phone. Continue reading

Mary Reilly

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Mary-Reilly

 

 

Release Date: February 23, 1996
Runtime: 108 minutes (100 minutes too long)
Rating: R
Studio: TriStar Pictures (Sony)
Director: Stephen Frears
Cast: Julia Roberts; John Malkovich; Glenn Close; George Cole; Michael Sheen

I like Julia Roberts.  I really do.  I’ve been a fan ever since “Satisfaction.”  But please, Julia, for the love of God, don’t do period movies!!!  It’s not your strong suit.

This movie couldn’t be worse!  It’s boring, dreary, terribly miscast, and just plain bad.  Hardly worth my time to review it: just writing about it is making me angry.  It purports to tell the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from the point of view of one of his scullery maids.  Not a bad idea, but woe to the execution!! Continue reading