Cats

Release Date: December 20, 2019
Runtime: 110 minutes
Rating: PG
Studio: Universal
Director: Tom Hooper
Cast: Idris Elba; James Corden; Francesca Hayward; Taylor Swift; Jason Derulo; Rebel Wilson; Judi Dench; Ian McKellen; Jennifer Hudson; Ray Winstone

Considering all of the bad press surrounding this movie, it’s difficult at this point to objectively review. I try, but in short, it sucks. Here’s why.

First off, for the purposes of this review, I will assume that most people are aware that Les Misérables director Tom Hooper’s movie is an adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s smash 1981 Broadway musical; that the musical, for a while, was the longest-running musical on Broadway; that the musical itself was based upon T.S. Eliot’s “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats”; and that the musical employed lots and lots of writhing, lycra-clad dancers dressed to resemble cats.

This type of artifice clearly worked on the stage, as evidenced by the behemoth and cultural touchstone that the show became. It does not work on the screen. At all. That element of the movie, aside from the embarrassing performances, boring direction, and strangely non-bombastic score (as opposed to the stage version) is, more than anything, my primary issue with Cats.

Cats is one of the most misguided film projects to come down the Hollywood pipeline in quite some time. If ever one needed any more explicit evidence that what works on stage does not necessarily translate to the screen, this is it. For every screen adaptation like Chicago, there is The Wiz, A Chorus Line, or Rock of Ages. Whether or not you embrace Lloyd Webber’s music (for the record, I love it!), the fantasy of the Broadway Cats is what makes it accessible. As audience members, we are watching a live stage performance, very much aware that actors are gliding and leaping across the stage in elaborate costumes and exaggerated movements; there is a 3D-aspect to the show that is inherently missing when it’s translated for the screen (unless the movie is in 3D, which Cats is not). The felines in the show, famously, sprang out into the audience and waited, patiently and cat-like, in the aisles. As a young boy, I vividly recall seeing Cats at the Colonial Theater in Boston. At one point, I remember looking behind me only to see a cat (actor) staring back at me, expressionless. Weird, but immersive and effective.

The movie Cats, unwisely attempts to realistically transform human actors into cats, which proves to be its fatal flaw. In doing so, the film loses the impression of artificiality that successfully suspended the disbelief in the stage version. Instead, we watch as famous and recognizable faces like Taylor Swift, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Jennifer Hudson, et al are strangely (and frighteningly) seamlessly melded via digital effects and rendered furry, with ears and tails. Yet, they still retain those faces (and human hands, and human feet, and, at times, sneakers?!?!). The more realistically feline you try to present these actors, the more disturbing it becomes. It’s a crime not only against nature but also against the performing arts! The musical endorsed the make-believe, tried to be convincing, but certainly not realistic…and therein lies the difference.

Tom Hooper’s pedestrian direction does no one any favors either. The film feels rushed, which makes sense since from what I understand, it was only finished, like, a week before it arrived in theaters. In Hooper’s direction and Andy Blankenbuehler’s choreography, there is no indication of the show’s palpable exhilaration or emotional payoff. For example, by the time Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella belts out the show’s signature note (“Touch meeeeee”) in its signature song “Memory,” the moment registers no impact because it hasn’t been earned. The movie up to that point has been cringe-worthy episode after cringe-worthy episode; no substantial connection to the characters has been developed; the ridiculousness of the entire enterprise has overshadowed any attempt at pathos that Hooper was hoping to imbue in the audience.

All of the principal actors embarrass themselves. For the convenience of the reader, I have ranked the performances from most god-awful to least:

1) Rebel Wilson. Her Jennyanydots is a graceless clutz directing an army of singing and dancing mice (and cockroaches), which, you guessed it, have human features but vermin bodies. Wilson gets all of the lame puns (“Don’t mess with the crazy cat lady.” Yuk, yuk) and is introduced while scratching the inside of her fur-thigh. The character seems to be wearing a catsuit of her own, underneath of which is a performance-ready sparkly vest: so the cat is wearing a catsuit? That’s just wrong.
2) Judi Dench. She will survive this because she’s Judi Dench, but it is heartbreaking to see this legendary thespian caught up in all of this, trying to muster as much earnestness as she possibly can under the circumstances.
3) Ian McKellen. He, too, will survive this. But once you witness Sir McKellen lapping up milk and hissing at his costars, you cannot erase that image from your mind. You’ve been warned.
4) Jennifer Hudson. I can just see the pitch meeting. “We need someone who can belt “Memory!”” “ I know, Jennifer Hudson!” JHud’s unimaginative casting aside, why did no one involved in the course of the filmmaking process, with all of the effects work that went into this movie, digitally erase the persistent flow of snot from her nose??? What is up with that??? It does not spell “emotive.” It spells “disgusting.”
5) James Corden. He better own this and start poking fun at it on his late-night talk show if he wants to retain any shred of dignity.
6) Idris Elba. His character, the devious Macavity, while the ostensible villain, makes no sense.
7) Jason Derulo. Poor guy…he’s so talented and this movie could have broken him into movies. It will not.
8) Taylor Swift. She’s fine. She’ll survive.

Movies like Cats – unmitigated disasters made with the sincerest of intentions – don’t come along very often. If, like me, you breathlessly pant in anticipation for moments in cinematic history like this to arrive, scurry out and see Cats. You need to see it to believe it!